Oh, yes! It’s that time again! Time for me to go to bed!

What? Drink reviews? The, well. Yeah. I mean. I suppose we could do them instead.

Gokuri Miracle of Grapefruit

What words are there for Gokuri Miracle of Grapefruit? Oh it is grapefruit juice, to be sure. But to call it such is surely to, uh, belittle the grapefruit, and undervalue its role in these modern times. For who can say how mankind would fare were the grapefruit to vanish from existence.

Oh okay it’s basically grapefruit juice with pulp. Once you get past the fancy can and start analyzing it there’s nothing indicating the juice contains anything crazy, either, so, yeah. I guess we can call this one a write-off. On the plus side, this is definitely one miracle we can all enjoy! Like the miracle of christmas, or the miracle of masturbation.

Original Bionic Drink Lifeguard

This one’s gonna be LIVE, as at the time of writing I’m just about to crack the seal open. I know as much about what’s inside this bottle as you do right now. What could that bottle mean? What’s with the weird juxtaposition between jungle, baywatch and biotech? Who can even say?

You should know that in the interest of providing a fair review I am right now fairly thirsty and gradually approaching parched.

Here we go!

The cap comes off with a hiss. That can only mean that this sucker’s carbonated. The aroma hints of… lime… lime and moss. Pretty much what you’d expect from the weird jungle camo packaging, I guess.

First sip forthcoming.

First sip has forthcomed. This is a pretty tasty beverage. Imagine a Sprite that leans slightly towards lime, and slightly thickened with the taste of healthy stuff, which is to say the manufacturer has loaded it with vitamins and caffeine and taurine and fibre a– okay wait. There’s something on the bottle here. I gotta get a photo of this.

The speech bubble coming out of her(?) head says something like “It’s pretty tasty!” Well, alright. But then why does this creature feel the need to hide? Is she the bionic lifeguard? What the fuck! She ruins it all! This mystery has turned into a full-blown fallacy! I am ashamed.

Yakult Herb & Relax Lemorea

Now, I’m not a man who fusses and frets over a given beverage. Not since Tibet. See, when I went to Tibet I ended up buying a can of something labelled ‘Caterpillar Worm Fungus Drink’ (no word of a lie) for no reason other than agonising curiosity, and it ended up surprising everyone in my adventuring party by being not only delicious but an excellent mixer for terrible Chinese liquor, as well as a headache cure. The stuff was mana from heaven, and heaven was a caterpillar’s anus, and we fell to our knees and praised the whole damn shambolic situation that was life and love and aching heads.

So while I don’t give a second thought to the principal ingredients listed on the front of Yakult Herb & Relax Lemonrea, I can still understand why some of you might be alarmed. This drink contains: “Passionflower leaf, Blueberry leaf, Chamomile, Linden, Lemon verbena, Lemongrass and Catnip.” It goes on to says that it’s also 2% something, but that ’something’ is kanji I can’t read.

This is another LIVE review, by the way. I’m cracking the cap right after I type this. Here we go!

Oh…. oh.

I think… I think this is what water would taste like if God was a delicate lady. Oh, man. My mouth feels like I just ran really fast through a half dozen Lush franchises.

Okay, Herb & Relax Lemonrea is the most outright girly beverage I’ve ever wrapped my hand around. This is unreal. This is hydration for the characters in Jane Austen novels who get sick and die after being dumped. I mean, I like what this drink is doing by giving water a sweet herb twist but really, shouldn’t the bottle be a little bigger for a flat, light-tasting liquid? I mean you’ve already admitted right there on the bottle that your drink is the gentlest refreshment. What’s the harm in giving your customer a little more of that good stuff?

Hm. Come to think of it, I haven’t the slightest idea what consuming large amounts of capnip does to a guy. Maybe I’ll let this one slide.

Thanks for being on the show, Yakult Herb & Relax Lemonrea. You’ve been fantastic. We love you.

Thanks a lot everybody! I’ll be back same time next week. Maybe I’ll be able to speak Japanese then, because I SURE AS HELL CAN’T DO IT NOW.